Word And Verse

An Ex-Roman Catholic’s Journey From Darkness To The Light

by Karen

Being born of Roman Catholic parents into a Roman Catholic family, I was brought up to attend Mass every Sunday morning, dutifully performing special prayers on specific days as mandated by the Church and to not eat meat on Fridays. I vaguely remember my First Communion ceremony where I was dressed up like a young bride and after which I was showered with various gifts which included my first rosary and a multitude of scapular medals and crosses that had all been blessed by a priest. Our house had the ubiquitous altar adorned with statues of Mary and Jesus with pictures of the Sacred Heart or Pope in some other rooms of the house.

My dad was a manager in a shipping company while my mum was a housewife and during their courtship, he was in charge of the library at our parish Church (St. Francis of Assisi, Jurong). It was also during this time that he had a disagreement with the parish priest over the running of the library and thereafter, stopped attending church. Thereafter, my mum and I were also publicly snubbed by this parish priest because of this disagreement. We had no choice but to keep attending that church because there was no other Roman Catholic church in our immediate area. During my childhood years, I remember my dad arguing with my mum about going to church every Sunday because of his dislike of that priest. Later on, the arguments were fewer but he rarely ever attended any Mass in any other church ever again.

Dad was also a lover of old movies so on some nights when there was nothing worth watching on television, he would pop in a VHS movie such as Ben Hur or The Ten Commandments. It was also around this time in my early teens that after every screening of The Ten Commandments, I would head back to my room, look up at the family altar and wonder about the commandment “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image”. I started questioning how my religion could so blatantly disregard this commandment from God. Disillusioned and confused, I stopped attending church and started on my search for any kind of religious truth.

During my secondary or high school years, I made the acquaintance of an insurance agent who had given a talk about financial planning in my school. Being the then insecure and shy teenager, I turned to him as a counselor and friend. It was only later on that I found out that he was a Christian. Our phone conversations were a mixture of him trying to sell me an insurance policy, telling me God’s Word and persuading me to purchase books by Norman Vincent Peale to boost my self-esteem. One night after a tiring day of dealing with my teenage problems, he started telling me God’s Word and finally ended with him leading me through “the sinner’s prayer” over the phone. I recall saying the prayer but I did it not out of a true conviction of my sins — I did it just to make a friend happy. Thereafter, our conversations decreased because I think he realized that I was never going to buy a policy and perhaps that, he had done his duty as a Christian to evangelize to me. The funny thing was that during those few months of interacting with him, he had never once given me a tract or ever asked me to attend his church (which particular church that was, I never found out either).

Heading into junior college, my immediate circle of friends were all atheists. One of these friends started playing with tarot cards and our gatherings would be fun-filled afternoons of tarot card readings. The idea of being able to predict one’s future was so enticing that I purchased my own set of tarot cards and did my own readings every night. My dabbling into the Occult went so far so to almost purchasing an Ouija board with my then best friend. I only stopped playing with tarot cards when I perceived to have predicted the break-up with my then boyfriend three months beforehand.

After junior college, I went on to attend a local polytechnic which is where I met Isaiah, my husband.

Early on in our courtship years, I found out that he was a Christian and my instinctive reaction was “Oh no”. When he found out that I was a Roman Catholic, he started evangelizing to me but by that time, I had developed such a disdain for anything Christian, both the Word of God and any evangelist who attempted to hand me a tract. Despite all my misgivings about Christianity, Isaiah continued to tell me about the Lord’s Second Coming and the Book of Revelation to which I nicknamed him my “Doomsday Prophet”. He even tried to get me to read the Bible but somehow my Roman Catholic upbringing got the better of me and I refused to read it for myself. He did, however, get me to attend a few services at his church but I felt like a fish out of water. I was not prepared for the lack of pomp and systematic prayer that I had experienced during my childhood every Sunday morning.

One particular conversation I recall vividly was how he said he wanted to see me in heaven because he loved me and was worried about my soul. Till this day, I remember my immediate reaction was “What kind of emotional blackmail is this?!” I could not accept the idea that just because I did not believe in his God that I would be heading for hell. My fear and conscience continued to clash throughout our courtship years. In spite of my rejections, he never stopped evangelizing to me but my need to ease my conscience caused me to develop a belief that there was a God but it didn’t matter which God I worshipped. This belief of Universalism did not last long however.

Three months before our wedding, my dad collapsed in the bathroom and passed away of a heart attack. I became angry with myself thinking that I was partly to blame for his death due to the stress in preparing for our wedding. But most of all, I was angry with God for taking away the man who was going to walk me down the aisle. My mum started slipping into a depression.

In accordance with Chinese traditions, I had to move in with my in-laws after the wedding so we spent many nights traveling from my in-laws’ home back to mine to take care of her. It was also during this time that I sinned the most. I bought books such as the Nag Hammadi and vehemently debated with Christians and Isaiah on the validity of the Bible. I also spent many nights out by myself or with friends drinking and partying and not returning home sometimes. My sinful life almost caused Isaiah and me to get a divorce but we pulled through that dark period in our lives and by God’s grace, grew closer emotionally.

After two years of constantly traveling back and forth between my in-laws’ and my mom’s, we finally found our own place nearer my mum. By this time, I was not only still dealing with anger but also with guilt for not being there for my mum after my dad’s passing. A year after we moved in, the grief of my dad’s passing finally hit me and I slipped into a depression. I dealt with everything by getting drunk in the afternoon and it was only when Isaiah came home one evening and found me drunk that I realized I had hit rock-bottom. I knew that I needed God but didn’t know how I was going to find Him and if He would hear me if I called out to Him. And because I had never prayed to God directly before, all I could muster was the Lord’s Prayer every night.

Nine and a half years into our marriage, Isaiah came home with a new Bible and me still being in that state of semi-denial of God teased him about it. (I could not understand how he could buy another Bible when we already had four Bibles at home!). It was around this time that he started blogging and reading the Bible every night. I stopped teasing him but my conscience continued to nag me. So one night when I couldn’t sleep, something made me pick up that Bible for the first time. Instead of starting at Genesis, I flipped to the book which I had always feared reading – the Book of Revelation. As I read it, the fear which I had all these years disappeared and was replaced with tons of questions.

In the morning, I asked him about everything I had read and after he overcame his shock, he answered my questions and told me to read Daniel. So I read it and had more questions to which he again, patiently explained to me. That Sunday morning, Isaiah was surfing the Internet and came across a sermon by Pastor Steve Hadley of Harvest Reno Church who was expounding on the exact passages I was reading in Daniel. I believe that it was by God’s divine providence that He directed us to Pastor Steve and I thank God for it.

At this present time, I am making my way through the other books of the Bible and I pray that some time in the near future, I can be baptized as a Christian so that I can reaffirm my faith.

I would like to thank God for my husband, Isaiah, who through all these years has never stopped evangelizing to me, and being patient and loving to me. I would like to thank God for Pastors Steve Hadley, Paul Washer, John MacArthur and John Piper who preach sermons that are true to God’s Word and who always provide me a deeper understanding of God’s Word.

Most of all, I want to thank God for sending Jesus Christ to die for my sins because without Him I would still be leading a Godless life and indeed be heading to hell.

Amen.

Related: My husband Isaiah’s Testimony.