Marriage
Karen’s testimony on my old blog has been soliciting some interesting comments even though I’ve closed down the blog. One particular response caught my attention because the brother who wrote me faced the same situation as I did years ago when my wife was still a Roman Catholic and I a Protestant.
The brother, Mike, has given permission for his comment to be reproduced here, and I’ll also be sharing our email exchanges here in the hope that perhaps some of you who are better counselors than I am will be able to help. If you’d like to contact Mike directly, please write me and I’ll send you his email address.
He first wrote me with this comment:
Isaiah,
I think I am in the same situation you were in. I am in deep love with a girl who is a Catholic. (I am a Christian). She is an incredible person with high morals and a love for Christ as well. I decided to break off the five year relationship because of the differences between Catholicism and Christianity. Since the breakup, which has been almost a year I cannot seem to get over her. I have depression now and she is all I ever think about. She has inspired me in so many ways over the years, helped me achieve so many many goals, and has been an inspiration to me. She is that kind of person everyone loves who brings a smile into the room, one who is sweet and one who can be trusted. I have learned a lot from this, but my heart feels completely torn and broken since i am not with her. She still said’s to this day, “I am waiting for you” but I cannot wait forever. Hear she is able to accept me, but I am not accepting her. I learned it’s not about religion anymore, but if you believe in Christ as your savior. I am in between the rocks and would love to be able to speak with you about this situation. Hopefully by the grace of God you will read this posting or someone will pass this along to you.
This was my reply:
Brother, I feel for you and I want to be able to help in anyway I can. I hope you don’t mind if I ask you some questions:
- I know you love her very very much — is she receptive to you showing her that she is doing more than necessary to obtain salvation? Is she adverse to reading from the Word of God?
- How is your own walk with God?
- I won’t give your name out, but would you be open to getting more Christians to help advise on this? I’ll publish your comment on my new blog and solicit views on this.
Brother, good girls are hard to come by, and I realized that when I married my wife though she was a Roman Catholic. The thing you need to realize as well is that God is in control of everything and as men we have the responsibility to be the priest of the house, ministering to the family. Are you praying for her or just letting it lie while you feel depressed?
I hope you don’t take my questions the wrong way as offensive.
Thankfully, Mike replied:
Isaiah,
Thank you so much for your fast reply. Please don’t hesitate to ask any questions.
Here are answers that will hopefully help.
- She is growing… she started reading the Bible and praying more since i have came into her life. She understands it’s by grace alone, she also believes Jesus died on the cross for her sins. I don’t think she is saved yet or said the prayer though.
- My walk with God has increased over the last couple of years but it’s getting really hard now. I try to read the Word every morning and have close relationship with Christ and with prayer… but I still seem to fall short in many ways. To be honest it sometimes feels like a rolling coaster…off then on… etc. Especially with the breakup… depression… loneliness… anxiety… etc. Sometimes it’s really hard to pray… I still know have I have a long way to grow within my relationship with the Lord. My heart feels like it has been broken.
- You can def put this on your blog… you can also use my first name if you want… no worries.
- I have been praying for the last few years about this situation. I have learned so much, researching differences within the catholic church vs the Bible. I even met up with her and showed her the areas where i disagree with the catholic church which took me hours to do. (can email you if you would like). Before I when I was dating her I use to judge her b/c she was catholic…which is wrong. She is a girl that humbles herself before anyone and has so much energy…she has a better understanding of life than many Christians.
Thank you for your time and your care. I feel like there is hope but I am a little confused still. My mom and dad were both catholic and i even grew up catholic until we switched over to Christianity. My dad hasn’t given me much advice, but just to say that there is error within the church (which I agree) and you would be unequally yoked. My parents know I haven’t been happy since the relationship ended and they even said get back together with her if you love her… so its confusing. I want to do the right thing.
Thanks again for all your time and care.
This was my latest reply to him just this morning:
Dearest Mike,
That’s great to hear, brother! I’ll tell you that my wife started off the same way too. For years she won’t even touch the Bible and would even ignore whatever I told her. She doesn’t overtly do that, but I know she brushed them aside. Let the Word convict her, Mike. God’s Word is a two-edged sword, so hold fast to that promise from God.
Now I know some people might disagree with me, but I don’t think that you continuing the relationship with her would be a case of being unyoked. Do we shun friends who are Moslem or Hindu or of other religious convictions? No. We are friends with them too. Yes, it is different in a relationship, but I’m saying that she isn’t far off — Roman Catholics can be some of the most pious people in the world and some of them truly love the Lord, though they also love Mary and the pope, and you’d agree that they are going about actually working for their salvation which is wrong.
What we can do is continue to pray for them.
You need to talk to her more often, brother. Call her up, ask after her, and perhaps even ask her how her Bible reading has been coming along. Tell her also that she can ask you any questions if she has any, which has a few advantages — (1) you can help show her the Word, and (2) you yourself will grow in your faith when you have to search for some answers to her questions. That was my personal experience when my wife inundated me with questions almost daily after reading the Bible.
I’m not going to tell you to accept her just because — it’s your decision. I disagree with what your dad said about being unequally yoked, but that’s my personal view. I think you already know the answer in your heart because you cannot live without her. Have you also considered that God is using you to minister to her? In marriage, Christian men are to be the ministers of the house and be the head in matters of faith.
Most importantly, Mike, my good brother, continue to pray for her. Guide her in all love, and be patient to let God work in her. Conviction comes from the Holy Spirit, and not by our efforts. Our course of action is to pray for the person and love them. My wife only came around after 17 years or so (we courted for 7 years and have been married 10).
God bless you, Mike.
I’d like to think that I’ve given him some sound advice on this issue, drawing upon my own experience.
Some of you might feel differently about my view regarding being unequally yoked, but please put that aside for the time being and feel free to share your thoughts with Mike and encourage him.
My thanks on his behalf in advance, and please pray for him.
Tags: Advice, Courtship, Depression, Email, Love, Relationship
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Copyright ©2001 by 
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May 9, 2008 at 18:34
Casey
I definitely don’t think this is a case of being “unequally yoked,” but there certainly will be problems if things aren’t decided now, such as “Which church are you as a couple going to attend?” “If you are going to attend separate churches (not advised), which church are your children going to attend?” “Will you raise your children to be Catholics or Protestants?” These things need to be addressed now, or they could end up causing an irreparable rift later on.
May 9, 2008 at 19:35
Lincoln
I’m fine with marrying a Catholic myself, as long as she agrees to never take mass, keep any catholic paraphernalia in our home, pray to Mary, or talk about conehead (the pope) in a positive way.
Oh and raise our children as Protestants so they recognize the Catholic church for the promiscuous whore-slut of revelation that she is.
She agrees to all that, and our marriage will be just fine.
May 9, 2008 at 20:51
Vincent Chia
Dear Mike,
I think there are at least three questions you will have to answer yourself, and with much godly counsel. I’m sorry for this matter-of-factly approach, but “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. (Pro 27:6).”
1) What is the Gospel?
2) Are Catholics considered believers i.e. do they believe in the Gospel as taught in the Bible?
3) Are Christians supposed to marry unbelievers?
I sincerely suggest that you talk to your pastors/elders/spiritual leaders concerning this, and you might consider taking her to church as well(?).
Perhaps you might examine these articles and compare it with the Bible:
Answers by John Macarthur
http://www.biblebb.com/files/macqa/1301-E-11.htm
http://www.biblebb.com/files/macqa/70-12-8.htm
http://www.biblebb.com/files/MAC/47-47.htm
A more moderate, well-written article, but with the same conclusions:
http://www.gracecentered.com/unequally_yoked.htm
May 9, 2008 at 22:45
Travis Vocino
Why not just accept each other’s worldviews and raise the children with an understanding that there are a great many viewpoints out there? Maybe the right religion for them is one of yours’ and maybe it isn’t.
Life is too short to be so worried about how a great girl worships the same God as you slightly differently. Just my opinion.
May 10, 2008 at 6:23
Mike
Thank you for your reply’s everyone. Vincet I appreciate the
advice and links you sent. I do beleive Catholics are
believers but have error within their doctrine. Although
we all have error and sin, even Christian who intepret things differently. …Although yes, i prob
would feel uncomfortable attending mass. Maybe it’s a
risk I have to take. I have talked to a few church
elders and pastors and they did disagree with the
situation…and then some did agree with it. Everyone
is going to have there opinions…but my heart doesn’t
have an opinion it knows..but my i need to do the right
thing.
May 10, 2008 at 8:24
Daniel Chew
Mike:
I echo Vincent’s questions, but I will go a step further. Can Roman Catholics who truly believe in the doctrines of their Church be believers, ever? If a professing Roman Catholic does not agree with the doctrines of their church, should they leave it?
May 11, 2008 at 22:27
Mike
Mike ~ I am going the opposite direction. I’m going to look at this from a few different viewpoints and I hope that I don’t end up talking around in circles.
1. I think Isaiah hit one very important nail on the head; that of prayer. I have seen you in here looking for the experience and knowledge of those who have experience but have you looked toward God and really listened to what he is telling you? From your original letter, it seems to me that he is speaking to you very loudly…
2. From an evangelistic point of view, if you were to marry this woman, you have the rest of your life to convince her. If you end it, you will have none. Along those same lines, while I agree that it is the man’s responsibility to be the spiritual “head of household”, I think that maybe you’re assuming it’s your purpose to change her thinking when it may not be. I read an interesting post recently about a woman who was asking about what God’s purpose for her was when her car broke down in the middle of the highway after pretty much everything else had gone wrong in her day. The response to this woman was “sometimes, it’s about the tow truck driver”. Please remember that none of us knows the big picture.
3. From me personally…are you willing to let the love of your life get away from you based solely on doctrine? It’s not our job to change people, it’s only our job to plant seeds. Change comes from Christ himself entering our hearts.
May 12, 2008 at 3:07
Daniel Chew
[The other] Mike:
2) Show me where missionary dating and marraige is endorsed in Scripture. Fact is, it is not. In fact, it is explicitly condemned, as can be seen by God’s direct commands in the OT (especially during Nehemiah’s reform), and the word of Scripture as written by Paul in the NT (eg. 2 Cor. 6:14-18 for starters). That God choses to save some spouses after they have gotten married to a believer does not mean that it is not sin to do so in the first place.
3) A counter question to ponder: Who are you living your life for? For God, or for yourself? If you want to live for God, then you will obey Him whatever the cost; if you want to live for yourself, ….. Think about it. Using the same logic, you may marry a Satanist or a witch too. After all, how can you ‘let the love of your life get away from you based on doctrine’?
May 12, 2008 at 8:06
Mike
Hmm…”missionary dating and marriage” Was it your understanding from reading my post that the two were one and the same. If that was what you got out of my post, then I apologize.
I think in this case we’ll just have to agree to disagree.
May 12, 2008 at 10:16
Mike
Oh yeah, an afterthought. This thread was to give a brother advice not argue about whether or not everyone else’s advice was right or wrong. It’s pretty much up to Mike whether or not to take it or leave it.
May 12, 2008 at 16:03
Mike
I have been praying about it for a long time now and it seems like the answer has really come to me. After this weekend, trying to talk to her about a few things, it didn’t go so well. I think the Lord has other plans.
My selfish ways wants to be with her, but the Lord is
warning me. Even though she is 1 in a million, I don’t think it is meant to be. She will always have a piece
of my heart though. I greatly appreciate all the advice, time, and help from everyone. .please pray for
both of us.
May 12, 2008 at 17:01
Vincent Chia
Dear Mike,
“This thread was to give a brother advice not argue about whether or not everyone else’s advice was right or wrong.”
We are not arguing; we are only trying to give whatever advice we can by pointing out that which is right (according to the Word), and that which is wrong. How else can we give advice? By saying that everything is OK (according to the Word)? Of course not.
May 12, 2008 at 17:02
Vincent Chia
Dear (the other) Mike,
Do you have a blog yourself? How did you find Isaiah’s contact information?
May 12, 2008 at 21:47
Also Known As Mike
Mike ~ For sure I am praying for you brother. I remember that small voice speaking to me before my first marriage and I didn’t listen. It didn’t last three years and turned into one of the lowest portions of my life. Of course, God can use the lowest things in our lives to teach us and that’s what he did with me.
I pray that one day you will find what you are looking for.
May 13, 2008 at 7:34
S.J. Walker
To the Mike in question.
I know I am coming late in this, and I am encouraged overall to see what advice has been offered. But if I may, I would weigh in on this as well.
I would tend to lean more the unequally yoked direction myself, while I do acknowledge that I do believe it possible–perhaps–for a catholic person to be truly regenerated. But I would that if so, it is in spite of the false religion and not in any way because of it.
But really, that is neither here nor there. For I reserve the right to take back this statement should Scriptural evidence convince me otherwise.
Missionary romance –whether dating or not–is very dangerous my friend. I have done it myself. One problem being, that then the primary goal of contact with this person is 1) so that you can have them without guilt or discomfort 2)that you can love them freely 3) that they will meet a quota so to speak for acceptance amongst your family, freinds, and yourself.
What’s missing? GOD. He will have mercy on whom He will have mercy. Should we love and care for all with whom we share? OF COURSE! But for His sake and not as much theirs. Missionary romance focuses solely–Soully. It focuses on two or less individual and God is not one of them.
So in one sense, one must be removed somewhat–whenever possible–from those with whom they share the gospel. That is, the primary, not the only, but the primary reason for sharing must be for God’s sake and no others no matter how beautiful lovable, and desirable they are to us. We must focus on His goals which are not our goals. We must focus on His ways which are not our ways.
So, I would say that by your last comment, and from what I have been seeing thus far, you have made the right decision regarding the romance. Now preach the gospel to her, for God’s sake.
I know two young people who at one time were considering marriage and even were engaged here recently, but have since split apart by the grace of God. Both of them wonderful individuals my wife and I care very much for and are, I believe, both siblings in Christ. Way back, I wrote a letter to them and have since published it to my blog. Although the catholic issue was not present, it changes not the message. The letter is somewhat long, but it was a laborious effort and has helped me often since then to think about marriage Biblically again.
One final note:
How do you preach to a catholic? You don’t.
You preach to a man, a woman, a child. There is not Christianity and then all these other different religions that are wrong in different ways. There is Christianity and death.
May 13, 2008 at 7:37
S.J. Walker
Here is the link to the letter, sorry.
http://www.alionhasroared.com/2007/10/christ-church-husband-wife.html
May 14, 2008 at 16:15
Mike
Thanks again everyone for your care, advice, and prayers.
thanks again
S.K. Walker, I can’t agree with you anymore. If I would
proceed with the relationship I would not have full unity
with God within my marriage. That is very important and something i want. I just hope i dont get old and cant
find a woman.
May 14, 2008 at 18:11
S.J. Walker
Mike,
You can’t and you won’t.
God will.
He made me trip over mine (yeah, I’m that dense)
June 10, 2008 at 23:05
Anonymous
Catholics are Christians. It sounds like the distinction you are making is between Catholics and Protestants, which are the denominations of Christianity such as Lutherans, Presbyterians, Anglicans, Methodists, and many many more. Keep that in mind; you are both still Christian.
June 11, 2008 at 1:00
Isaiah
@Anonymous -
You know something? Even the current pope doesn’t think that, so why are so many Protestants rushing through the door to recognize the Roman Church as part of the true Bride of Christ?
Apart from external appearances that the Roman Church also recognizes the life, death and resurrection of Christ Jesus, there is no other common ground — idolatry of Mary is NOT Biblical, veneration of and praying to saints is NOT Biblical, the sacraments of confession to a priest and acknowledging the pope as the Vicar of Christ are NOT Biblical, just to mention a few.
Moreover, the Roman Church goes against the teachings of Jesus (who is God the Son) by denying the sufficiency of Scripture, and that we are saved (justified) by grace alone.
My friend, I’d advise that you consider those points before making such statements.
June 23, 2008 at 15:04
Anonymous
To Isaiah
Just one question: When has the pope said that Catholics are not Christians?
June 23, 2008 at 15:05
Anonymous
Plus you could read something by Scott Hahn called Rome Sweet Home or The Lamb’s Supper.
June 23, 2008 at 15:07
Isaiah
@Anonymous -
I think you misread me. I never said the pope has said that Roman Catholics are not Christians, though he has categorically stated that Protestant denominations are not true churches.